I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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