I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
