I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
