i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
