Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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