finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
