I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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