Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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