the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We're too hungover to prance.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
