Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
