When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
