A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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