So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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