Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wish they made helmets for livers.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
