i think my tv is drunk
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
