I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
