I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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