things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
