If i come over, it means nothing
This is not my ceiling
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
