dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
