just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
