wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My penis needs a shock collar
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
