I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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