I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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