i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I deserve this hangover.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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