I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
