you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
