I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
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I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
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Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together