we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
