we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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