I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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