meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
