dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We're too hungover to prance.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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