Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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