I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
