I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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