I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
