Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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