he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
