and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
is that a dick in a sweater?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
