a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
