I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize