nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
