areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
