you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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