The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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