like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
