I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Your dad touched me again.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
