My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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