theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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