in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
