No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.