Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!