shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
