3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
