you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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