I saw his package. It spoke to me.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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