haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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