Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize