Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
