So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
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There was a lot of him and a little penis
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
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And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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