please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
