I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
