hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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