You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
