my phone needs a breathalizer
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
